偶然想起一首许久没有听过的曲子，through the veil（穿过薄雾），便去寻找那个专辑的音乐。谁知那悠扬的旋律竟让我久久不能释怀。

那是多年前RI libray总是放的专辑。轻轻的背景音乐，从没有人去在意，却在潜意识中无数遍印刻，以致再一次相逢时，听到的仿佛是来自脑海深处的优美回音。像是隔着一层薄雾，我模模糊糊地又回到了那段时光，又是一个全身雪白制服的RI学生。忆起English bridging course时早早来到静静的library读英文... 忆起recess时在墨绿的沙发上看杂志... 忆起放学围着古香古气的桌子讨论project... 忆起校园各个角落散落的我的身影...

好久好久都不再去想起那段生活。我并不喜欢那一段记忆，简单来说，是因为有太多的不顺心不如意。但那毕竟是我曾经历的一段特殊的岁月，一段初到海外留学的岁月，一段痛苦蜕变的岁月。毕竟是我人生的一部分。毕竟是我的。久未回想，突然从记忆深处被唤起，感觉出乎意料的强烈。

一段生活，几乎所有细节都已被刻意遗忘，但是却有淡淡的印记，仍未消散。能回想起的，不是任何具体的人和事，而是一种印象。所有喧嚣和琐屑都已褪去，剩下无声、淡雅的蒙着薄雾的校园，图书馆里昏黄柔和的灯光，还有馆外面长长的走廊... 这种没有消失，却埋藏在脑海遥远的某个地方的记忆，愈酿愈有味道。

十分感念。没想到Kevin Kern这个叫The Winding path的专辑给我的是这种特殊的感觉。是生活在过去某段岁月里无意中写入的信息，到现在播了出来，仿佛出土的文物。

上大学了，我已经不打算怀旧，也不打算给我太多时间感怀，我要以积极的心态在忙碌中度过。突然插进来的这段旋律，纵然美好，也将由它去了。到很久很久之后，这些印象将所剩无几，成为难以捕捉的影子，就像曾经也特别怀念的小学和初中一样。于是仅在此，以此文祭奠这段已经消逝的生活，以及将要消失的记忆...

 

P.S. 庆祝北京奥运会开幕

So, rejected by MIT and Stanford. Situation renders me with only one choise: NUS. Well, miracles don't happen that easily after all, especially when you didn't really strive for it... Never mind. Still happy with the path I've chosen.

 

    A-level is over!

    其实我都不知道该不该加那个感叹号... holiday事实上早在两三个星期前就开始了。

    在这相当于高考的exam期间，我们玩得比放假还疯。以前小考前不管多懒散，复习还是很有章法的：第一天做计划，第二天开书包，第三天拿出notes... 这次都不知道该怎样复习，于是总拖到考前再作决定。决定只有一种：时间不够了，所以不复习。大家都是拼命玩到最后一分钟，然后聚在一起笑曰：我们都巨panic。李珊考前还信誓旦旦地跟我说要互相促进好好复习，然后就自己跑去花痴韩国明星去了，还不时打个电话来问我有多颓废... 不过至少她还惦记着有个考试，考前一个星期还战战兢兢地发了个短信：“还有八天了”。那时李文亮来了一句：“还有八天——NBA就开始啦~”... 平时刻苦学习的宽宽也带头小玩个游戏。于是大家一想，陈宽都不复习了，还有什么好说的？（然后在大家都受了诱惑之后，宽宽偷偷带着notes出去复习了，留下一群玩得天昏地暗的morrison同胞们。他才阴险~ ）唉，这试考得，比平时上课还轻松。不过A-level也确实恶心，国内高考不过三天，Alevel前前后后三个星期，第一门是物理，最后一门还是物理，中间假期一堆。我也就认真考了个GP，然后就不行了。幸好简单，要不铁定挂..

    不管怎样考完了都是件好事。可以继续悠闲去了。

When you ask for inspirations of writing college application essays, you can be really amazed. I had one such experience. It’s due to the essays written by a senior, a very outstanding one who went to Yale. Outstanding though he was, he made such exaggeration and boasting that he really made me gape. Then someone told me, that’s the way of writing essays~ Yeah, I know that one should glorify things by writing from a special perspectives and angles, but I don’t know that one can make aggrandizement by twisting facts. Innocuous, but dishonest nonetheless. Haha, of course you can. The admission office is not going to verify whatever you say, as long you don’t go all the way out to fabricate far-fetched achievements such as clinching gold in International Olympiad. Oh well, impressive. I’m not going to be cynical. This is what the norm is, I am not really offended. But it really cast doubt on how effective the admission officers are in judging applicants. Imagine going through hundreds of essays per day, with each one depicting a genius. When everybody shines, no one does. Picking up one that really is outstanding requires discerning power. Most of the time those officers just pick people on a whim. That too, is what everyone told me – it’s sheer luck. One MIT student Elizabeth Shin burnt herself in 2000. After the suicide, dean of admissions looked back at Shin’s application but could detect no trace of the problems the girl had reportedly struggled with since high school. Who could tell? And one must bear in mind that US secondary education is in a mess. Standards vary, and many teachers do no even have a major or even minor in the subjects they teach. An A in one school can be a far cry from an A in another, a B under one teacher is most likely not equal to a B under another. Now I understand why US practice can never be applied in China, as it will inevitably cause corruption and inequity.

I had always imagined top US universities to be a place of geniuses. At least the students should look extremely smart. I had the same imagination before I came to Raffles Institution, which is allegedly the top. Then I found that students in RI are just human. Many of them don’t even look smart at all. I wonder whether it will be the same in US. So many US universities, not just the likes of Harvard and Stanford, rank among the best in the whole world, while the best students in China only get to study in ones that are ranked over 100^th. The bulk of the US uni population is still American. Think about it, where on earth can they find so many geniuses to buttress their high standard?

Then I realized that my assumptions and preconceptions are wrong, or at least partially wrong. I always thought of education as Kong Fu practicing. In Kong Fu, or any other similar arts, there are distinct levels, and you climb up the skills ladder step by step, until you finally become the master, and possess the power any other layman can never have. However, education is not that simple.

First of all, really how ‘bright’ are those so-called ‘brightest minds’? Most of us have heard of the concepts such as ‘IQ’ and ‘ability’, yet I bet that none of us can really tell what they are, what they consist of. I, for one, do not believe in ‘IQ’, not only in a sense that ‘IQ is not the sole determinant of success’, but the concept itself. ‘IQ’ is in fact a primitive concept coined at the early stage of the study of mind. It is too simplistic and inaccurate. Recent refinements include dividing IQ into many branches such as sports IQ, music IQ, reasoning IQ, and interpersonal skills IQ. That’s better, but in my opinion none of these really grasped the true essence of human intelligence. It is simply too complicated to be gauged and converted into a number. It cannot be compared. That’s why I turn silent whenever people start to discuss who is really smarter, and got vexed when people show too much faith in such thing (try hitting the head of a really smart student, I bet he/she will get angry – ‘my brain is my most precious resource, what if something goes wrong!’ – if you got what I mean…). Well, I guess the discussion is a little outdated, because few take IQ tests today when entering schools. Then what really defines ‘bright’? Ability? But then what is ability? What is it made of? How does it work? People normally just take this concept for granted, but in fact it is still not fully established. Understanding it in technical detail is beyond the capacity of current science. How can you tell what one can do? Such predictions cannot be made with certitude even by someone who knows him well, let alone the admission officers. Just accept one fact: humans are complicated, any assessment is just an approximation and simplification, and is never accurate. In the realm of math and science, the understanding of concepts can still be tested, but the overall ability is much harder to be judged. The best thing we can refer to is still past performance, yet the past only offers limited prediction for the future. (Often we see that those who did well in the past are accorded confidence and chance, therefore continue to excel. But we cannot tell whether those who performed less well in the past can excel in the future if they are given the same opportunity, for they seldom were.) The whole problem just gets more knotty when the performances are similar.

In light of this piece of insight, many of our Chinese ways and conventional wisdom are just absurd. For one thing, promotion and school admission depends only on academic results. And not only that, even for academics, stipulating a clear-cut lowest score for admission is cruel. What difference can a few marks possibly make? But there are no better ways. The public always perceives students from certain universities to be better than those from others. The deep-seated instinct is that students from Tsinghua are better than those from Fudan, and those from Shenzhen University. How much better, in what ways better? Don’t know, but somehow they are just better. While it may still be acceptable to say that Fudan students are as good as Tsinghua’s, the claim that Shenzhen Uni students can create equal value as those in Tsinghua will most likely be met with disbelief. Everybody told me that universities do matter – it affects your salary, your promotion, your success, and everything. But really how much will it impact your life? What grand things do you wanna do in the first place? With everybody longing for ‘success’ and trying to enter the few prestigious universities, the only fair way is to be absolute and unequivocal. So it’s hard to tell whether the absurdity lies in the society at large or the education system itself. US university admission process, rough and random as it is, recognizes one fact at least: high-performing ones and not-so-high-scoring ones may not be so different after all, and you can hardly fathom their potentials with precision. Since everybody is similarly good, they don’t really make a fuss about which one to pick. (Of course they do stratification.) What really matters is what they do after they got admitted. So how are the standards of Harvard different from that of Princeton, or Stanford? No, no difference at all. Since the public needs a clear first, we designate Harvard to be the epitome of first class education. So those back home always say: Harvard is the best. Incredibly there actually are people who are simple-minded enough to take it literally.

Then what is so good about those US universities? Generally, students there are hard working. Extreme examples include: ‘the sleeping time in MIT is 5 am, campus wide’; ‘MIT students describe their courses as “drinking from the fire hose”’. My friend in U of Chicago describes life there as ‘study, sleep, party, choose two’; MIT version is similar: ‘work, friends, sleep: pick two’. They are really learning stuff. And that is only the basics. What really set them apart is the dynamic and vibrant school culture. Students are entrepreneurial and enthusiastic. They not only equip themselves with knowledge and skills, they also try to do real things. They initiate programs and activities; they immerge themselves in the real world. Science students get to do cutting-edge researches with leading professors; business students get to do real projects for big companies. More importantly, you will be working with the ‘best’. Your peers are would-be elites of the society, people who are likely to hold influence and power in every field. Very quickly you will be brought to the forefront of the society, and there will be plenty of opportunities for you to do great things. I guess that’s what people call ‘success’. Therefore the essence of university education is not only about gaining knowledge and skills, it’s more about access, about finding good ways to make use of you power. It’s no longer about whether you’ve ‘got it’, but about whether you ‘flaunt it’. In this kind of environment, anyone who is not stupid can become capable and prolific.

All of these did not become clear to me before I learnt about a practice of many US universities – legacy preference, a program that puts the siblings and offspring of alumni in a better position in getting into the college. Americans deeply believe in this. There is already much criticism on the increasing social immobility of the US society. One main problem is that the children of the rich generally get better education and enter good universities, while the poor gets poor education and little opportunity, thus perpetuating the social division. One comment on the legacy preference practice is ‘as if privileged children were not already doing well enough out of the education system!’ It is not so different from the bureaucratic culture in China – if you have someone related to you in power, you will be more easily promoted. It’s unfair and corrupt, but nevertheless it elevated some with political acumen and foresight into power, into a better position to actualize their vision. But sometimes you cannot tell whether Hu Jintao is intrinsically a better politician than, say, a commissioner. It also reminds me of the honey bees – the larva that is fed with royal jelly becomes a queen while others become worker bees. The royal jelly those privileged universities can offer may not be advanced knowledge and culture, it may just be a chance, an opportunity. So think about it again: what is university? In a sense, it is only another manifestation of social hierarchy, a doorway to the upper class, a key to better commanding positions, status, wealth, and opportunities to do more influential things.

One does not need to know US universities well to develop a yearning to study there. They are simply good, very good. The reputation is there. Studying there is kind of a fashion, a common dream. People around me are already fervently applying for US. Some go for the education; others go for the sake of going. It’s not only about education, but about realizing an erstwhile dream. Going to US can be a value itself. I see in them the spirit of pilgrims. The Chinese today had lost faiths in many things; faith in US universities is among the few surviving. I myself had also dreamed of the exciting adventure there. I made a pact with my best friend to meet in Stanford when I paid it a visit a few years ago. (Though I would like to defer it for some other considerations) No matter who or what had cultivated such love for US uni, I can totally understand. It is the craving for an embodiment of something we perceive as beautiful. Many girls who have fallen in love with those handsome Korean or Japanese stars want so badly to go to Korea or Japan, as if the place is magical in the presence of their idols. Yeah, common human psychology…

But still, who knows if we are all fallen victims of illusions……

 

I had often seen westerners criticizing Chinese government for being authoritarian, totalitarian, tyrannical, and responsible for poor human rights record. Recently, I read reports of some groups advocating for a boycott to the Beijing Olympiad Game. A trace of irony can also be heard on the comments of Beijing reconstructing and overhauling the whole city in preparation of the Game saying that much of these rebuilt “smacks of totalitarian-power architecture”. I appreciate the pressure they exert on the Chinese government, but a plethora of this make me really sick. I hate oppression, I hate tyranny, I really love liberty and freedom, but when I see those tirades ranted by people who barely understand the subtlety of Chinese cultural context, mindset of the general population and social environment and condition, I just get disgusted.

 

Not only do I not believe that they do not understand the difficulties we are truly in, I also doubt how ‘liberal’ and ‘democratic’ they really are. They think they had always grasped the true essence of liberty? Consider these facts. Despite the high-minded ideology of liberty and democracy, in practice it had only existed within the groups that were in power. The US founded on the belief that ‘all men are created equal’, yet at the birth of the nation the non-property-owners and women were excluded from political rights (yeah, because it was men, not women.). Afterwards voting rights extended to all white male, but women and Negros were still ignored. In the 20^th century, some states banned the teaching of Darwin’s evolution theory, limiting freedom of thinking – and there are teachers being persecuted for that. And the communists are right in saying that the working population in the thriving period of American economy at the beginning of the 20^th century lived in poverty and plight, denied of material welfare and had little social visibility. Things were even worse in colonies, where indigenous people were subjected to outright oppression and exploitation of white people who occupied an absolutely higher class as the rulers. US government had suppressed protests as well; it had purged dissents and different views that were suspected to be associated with communism as well; it had sacrificed individual rights for national security as well; it discriminated against some social groups and classes as well. Even now, many people say that the politics are just the playground of the wealthy, controlled by big corporations, and many people don’t actually have a say in national affairs. Let’s face it, there is oppression in one way or another, the only thing that differs is the extent. That is the nature of human society. That is where ideology compromises with reality!

 

Besides, there is no natural axiom stipulating that liberty precedes everything else. There are pursuits on basic needs, survival, safety, prosperity, and various other goals. Can you say that liberty is more important than those all? What if everyone face no government oppression, but live in poverty, misery and upheaval? Is it worth it to embrace liberty at the expense of all other things? To some, yes; but to others, no! Liberty had not been an important value in Chinese society throughout history, rather, what is more cherished were prosperity and pride of the nation as a whole, and better lives for the commoners. In recent history many Chinese had fought for liberty and democracy for the nation, but were thwarted by infirmities inherent in the Chinese culture and social environment. And the people suffered from chaos and instability. So is it so noxious to give some priority to order and stability in China today? Indeed the government had been at fault on some occasions of oppression, and some people abused the policy of maintaining stability. That can be improved. Nonetheless, it is a period in which we can finally enjoy stability and economic development and consequently higher standards of living. Who are they to judge what Chinese people want at this point of time? Who are they to play nanny and didactic? I can say with certitude that more and more Chinese people seek more liberty, democracy and social justice, but when we need it, we will demand it, fight for it, and will obtain it in the end, by ourselves, not by a foreign power! I know this appear to verge on narrow-mindedness, but that is what most Chinese people think.

 

Radical movements had always been disastrous for the Chinese, be it communist or democratic. The belief in liberty and democracy has yet to be instilled, and liberty and democracy themselves have to be installed progressively. Westerners always assume that communist or one-party states will always shun the concept of liberty and democracy. But is this always true? If one examines the history for communist Russia or China, he will find that they both possess a despotic past. The same goes to many Eastern Europe countries. One will not understand if he does not live in these countries, that even today, the remnants of the despotic culture, which involved delicate and enormous array of mindsets and practices, still remain! Can one say that the tyrannical nature in these governments came from ideology such as communism alone? Look at various so-called democratic countries that are employing or have employed authoritarian and tyranny practices before, are they truly democratic and liberal? No politics can stand aloof on purely an ideological ground but not on the specific cultural environment and the actual condition in a society. Time is needed for China to reform, which is already underway, as was once needed for western countries to dispose of tyranny, promote liberty and democracy, and expand civil rights. Was the US truly democratic and liberal in the beginning? For many people it was not. The nation has come a long way. China, on the other hand, has a long way to go.

 

So what is there for those westerners to be so cynical about? What is there to blame for the current stage we are in? Too much pressure will only cause resentment from the Chinese. Numerous national heroes had fought and died for the cause of freedom, independence and prosperity of the country. What about them? What good have they conscientiously brought to China?

 

I have read some anti-communist rhetoric from the Cold War period. They were invariably absolute and hostile: they are savage demons, insane and devastating, inhumanely wresting our freedom, rights, property and welfare out of our hands and turning us into slaves; they are completely wrong and evil, and we are on the side of justice and truth. It is totally understandable. However, Khrushchev might have had it right: those people know nothing about communism, nothing but fear. Indeed, communists such as those in China had been irrational and tyrannical. But who gave rise to their grievances and distrust? Their unhappiness stemmed from the hardship they were experiencing, grievances burgeoned on the ground of social inequity, hatred fueled by the very injustice and oppression, which were once sought to eliminate by people endorsing liberty and democracy but failed. So are they so irrational to believe in Marx? Are they so unforgivable for turning to extreme? Are they so wrong in carrying the fear of sabotage and sapping on their enterprise from foreign powers too far? Even the American had once desecrated individual rights in the face of danger of espionage and sedition. So you think you are on the moral high-ground? Think again.

 

I do believe many westerners are altruistically feeling sorry for us when they heard the reports on downtrodden groups, social injustice and government oppression in China, which is almost the only way they get to know what life in China is like for many of them. However, their governments are not so altruistic. Their motives can never be pure. This is nearly an established fact. Whatever liberty, human rights protection and democracy we deem necessary we have to strive for ourselves, without too much meddling in from layman in Chinese internal affairs. Help is certainly appreciated. But boycotting Beijing Olympiad is not help; it is about hurting Chinese feelings! The memory of humiliation and bully in recent history has not yet faded away. And on this occasion where China can host such and important international event that can make the entire nation proud, will they be happy with another humiliation? Isn’t there a danger of provoking defiance? The Chinese sentiments, though weird they may seem, must be addressed, especially in an era in which they rebuild their pride. Christian civilization LOVES to impose their value system and ideologies on other people, typically as conquerors. However, this won’t work on Chinese. Rather, the preaching will be regarded too presumptuous.

 

After all, the Chinese is an obstinate people.

 

(Well, I don't actually feel that strongly about the issue, but this is nonetheless one viewpoint I can give.)

rearrange 了一下，似乎看起来好一点。这也算是更新了吧...

真的，懒得写任何具体的东西。

半年了，happy一下。I no longer mourn the much cherished things that had past, for a long time alrdy.. n that's a good thing.

真的觉得一切都蛮好，挺悠闲自在，也挺满足。

换了标题，换成“漂泊”了。我想这词挺好的反映了我们的生态。

要么找到陆地，要么统统忘记。都挺好的。

也不知道这些日子可以那么闲......

Totally bored...

so i just listen to music, and listen to music, and play a lot of games.

shucks, why am i so.... 颓废？

listen to music, still ok, but games...

不过刚finish physics olympiad, 所以想放纵得放松一下。

宿舍里的人已经走了不少了，冷清了很多。

留在新加坡也没什么好做的了，也不上学，只有无聊的GP remedial...

前段时间bold到跑步到六七公里以外的地方，还逛了不少地方...

I should have been places around me, but i haven't in the past, say, three whole years...

I felt so left out in the small land of Singapore. but now the situation gets better.

Just had class chalet a week ago. It was fun, and memorable~ I went cycling in the beach, which i hadn't been doing for years... n we celebrated our time with Mr. Lai and Mr. Rauffie, our best two teachers who r leaving us next year...(the whole class was traumatized). 

That experience was great, never felt so close with Singapore people b4... and now i find Singapore's beauty, in certain ways............

 

emm, actually my holiday day was not so 颓废 loh, haha.

但还是盼着回家，随便做点什么也好。

 

今年已经快要结束了...

考完了期末，也考完了物理竞赛。其实任务是一个接一个的来，但我已经习惯了。assignments，小意思。这么多年学校混出来的，早就应该习惯这样那样的assessments，习惯自己被放在一个高失真的显微镜下被scrutinize的感觉。

学弟们已经踌躇满志地在准备SAT了，我还在犹豫。其实究竟为什么，我们在像跑马场上的马一样，总是拼命地跑，却仅仅满足了看客的兴致。我自认为以前的我很有“沿海气息”，总是怕落后，每一点的落后都不愿意，聚沙成塔嘛... 直到有个武汉的同学跟我说：你跟其他深圳来的不一样，比较没有沿海气息，不那么有竞争好强的感觉。真的，我变了很多，not in practice, but more in philosophy。 And yet，我仍做得不错...... 我会尽量把事情做好，尽量achieve excellence，尽量become a better person，但我的动力已不再是从前的那种信仰。我自认为，我是为了一些更纯粹的东西...... 我的价值，不必从别人的眼中定夺。

我只想做一些自己想做的事，that's all。

又换了一本日记本，这里倒是半年都没有写过东西了......

半年，太多点点滴滴，仿佛时间在膨胀，却在后来的记忆里收缩成一点，一晃而过。总是有这种感觉。

想起H3 physics，学相对论。哈哈，够疯，挺有意思的。还去听过量子力学的讲座，ideas 很值得 appreciate，可惜细节像是天书，越讲到后面海拔越高，害我都胸闷了。可怜我还要好好保养心脏呢... 有机化学更牛，一大堆东西，总是跟不上进度，像是要drown了的感觉。econ是挺有意思，知道了很多以前想知道的东西，还有那种construct一种theory的感觉，很值得appreciate。可惜就是考试太恶心了...所以呢，半年，是学物理的半年，探索经济学的半年，也是在化学中挣扎的半年。

也是渐渐有留学感觉的半年......

学到了其它很多，看到了其它很多......

前天教师节，去拜访了胡老师，受了一番精神熏陶。

昨天跟室友散步。方圆一公里的地方，三年来竟是第一次踏足。前两年也真郁闷得可以...... by the way, 新加坡的风光让我陶醉...

还能有什么特别的呢？生活就这样过，慢慢长大。有时看到那些RJC学生在夕阳中踏上回家的路，能感觉到生活就这样恬恬地流，流向夕阳....

国内的同学们啊，都各个奔向大学了。又是一种新生活。好好探索体验吧... 只是人生似乎总不能如意，总有人去不了想去的地方，做不了想做的事，经历不了想经历的事。我亦如此。只能说，不要为人生预设什么，是什么，就体验什么。人生不会有一个终极绝对的终点或目标的。当你翻过围绕你的一堵墙，看到的是外面有更高的一堵墙。说到底，你要去哪里，想要找到什么？我们都是在莫比乌斯环上爬的蚂蚁..... 只能说，经历和体验才是不变的。幸运的是，这一点本身是可以作为价值的，因此多少也找到了一点永恒...... 至少这是我现在对人生的期待。

下星期放假，却有SPhO的training, 还要准备期末考了。唉，能说什么？holiday gone...

其实上学真的挺不错的，和朋友们在一起，挺fun。新加坡人也不显得那么闷了。说实话，他们是没什么深度，却还是有自己的生活的。只不过那种生活文化和我们的隔挺远，不是风格in general，而是内容...  不过我渐渐可以理解新加坡人了，也多少可以体会他们对学校生活的热爱——这是我在过去两年想象不出来的。那两年的学校对我来说就是郁闷，宁愿独处。

......

算了，开始梦呓了... 不说了，shutting up...

以后尽量在这里多写点东西吧... 但我还是习惯把东西保留在日记里。有些人愿意把自己摊在网上分享，但我不是那些人... 上传了一些照片，分享一下那些吧。

 

    新的一年了，又醒在新加坡的早晨。良辰依旧，只是好久没有听到那种热带鸟独特的叫声了。

    那种特殊的“啾啾”的叫声在我初到新加坡时给我留下了最特殊的回忆。每天清晨醒在悠悠的黑暗中，但黎明的晨光才刚有点出现的迹象的时候，我半睁着迷糊的双眼去梳洗更衣。那种感觉，我记得很清楚。就是那种时候，这鸣叫声最是清晰响亮，挽着一丝南洋的味道，萦绕在耳旁。

    在我印象中，这是再典型不过的新加坡早晨了，那种半是城市半是乡土的气息，半是轻快半是忙碌的兆示。就如烈日下的蝉鸣是典型的懒洋洋的夏日中午的印象那样。

    那段“岁月”里，我并不怀着迎接噩梦的心情睁开双眼，却常怀着回忆噩梦的感觉拖着疲惫的身心沉入梦乡。

    是因为学校的环境和文化变了，让我找不到自我，无所适从？突然间学校里多了社会、复杂和残酷这几个概念，突然间多了很多东西要应付。突然间我不是理所当然的佼佼者，生活也不再由自己支配，自己欣赏。学校的评估真狠啊，我不得不按照学校的教育和程序来行动，不得不为了竞争而斤斤计较。突然间失去了好多自由。突然间不能进老师的办公室了，难以和老师有什么接触。突然间发现和同学们没什么共同语言。突然间发现学校是一个巨大的机器和程序，没有多少人情的温暖。突然间发现校园里的言论是那么无聊没有深度。突然间发现这里的教育方法和形式是那么明显，而教育理念是那么模糊……

    是因为家不在这边？父母的无私的爱不能常包裹着我了，放学后没有自己独处的房间了，没有父母来为我摆平一切，支持一切了。对一个第一次离家的游子来说，这是否是一种黑洞般的缺失？

    是因为最好的朋友不在了？那种绝对不背叛，永远无条件互相关心、互相支持的交心的友谊，在这边似乎更加难寻了。没有相同的生存方式，没有相同的生活文化，没有共同的心灵语言……

    是因为很多观察和以前的经验相左？是因为现实和那些理想化的价值观念相背？是因为觉得不公平？是觉得自己常被那些站得高但却不照顾别人感觉的人刺伤？还是，世界本来就是如此？

        ……

    是的，因为种种的种种，客观上的变化着实很大。但最终，是自己的无知将病态点燃，  是自己的心病让病态恶化，是自卑让忧郁加深，是抵触让态度消极，是轻狂让怨愤升级。强扭撕裂般的强行转变，让我不断地在遗失自己；一部分意识的觉醒伴随着另一部分意识的沉睡，在得到和长大的同时也背负了适应社会现实所带来的痛苦。估计这都是必须得经历的，因为人要变得成熟。但突然的裂变让我头脑发热。这时，似乎是宿命安排的相遇，那本恩师送我的王蒙的《我的人生哲学》进入了我的视野。从中我学到了两点：第一，学习和成长是无人可从你身上剥夺的，是最可靠的不动产，是最大的慰籍。第二，等待是无奈中的积极。于是，我学习和成长，而不焦躁；我沉默，却不沉沦。

        ……

 

    又看着窗外的乌云渐渐的厚了起来，昏暗昏暗的，是带有点刺激的阴沉。在别处都无法见到的新加坡的组屋在风中依旧，而那如同森林般茂密的各种各样的树则唰唰地采摘着风的脚步。只可惜新加坡的土地上缺少了一座像样的山。因此我只能想象在视野尽头的地方，模模糊糊，有一座，在雨中。雨季的新加坡，几乎天天都有这样的景致，出现在我走进房间的时候，在我放下书本抬头远望的时候，在我刚从午睡中爬起来的时候。当一种新景致闯入你的视野时，那是一种惊叹；当你欣赏一副重复在你生命中已久的景致时，那是一种情怀。

    对于新加坡的风光，我只有十分仓促的未完成的惊叹。只有在第一夜，当黑夜像一块面纱朦胧，遮住新加坡的面容的时候，我满怀浪漫地想象了阳光下的它。后来，由于种种事情占据了我的心神，由于自己不停地自寻烦恼，由于有太多的疑问要去解答，由于总是为自己的缺憾操心，我无心感受。直到一年后的某一天，我才突然发现新加坡的风光是那么的美丽而有情调。然而，那早已淡去的未完成的惊叹号，永远不能被完成了，它已经在我冷漠的内心和忙碌的身影中融化成了早已习惯的平常。

    每次想起这点，我都为我的留学想象默哀。我几乎都忘了我在来新加坡之前有着怎样的留学想象了。还隐约记得签约完的那天，晴空万里。坐在爸爸的车里，望着深圳的市景，脑海里一定浮现出了异国情调的画卷，就如想象加州的阳光和伦敦的雾。一定有一种留学生活的憧憬。“啊，深圳，可爱的故乡，祝福我吧，我要去体验留学生活了！”而直到今天，我没有一点体验或验证想象的印象了。那份幼稚而浪漫的留学想象就如夭折一般地不始而终了。

    这一段生活，要我划分，是起于两年前飞机在香港起飞的那一刻。在那一刻，从祖国的土地看，一切都在远去，而在新加坡那儿看，一切都在靠近。而现在再看时，很奇怪，无论怎样回想初中及其以前的生活，都有种恍如隔世的感觉。真想不到，三个半小时的一段飞行，竟把两段生活切割得完完全全，干干净净。来到新加坡后，常有一种感觉：不知道一个想法和感觉是以前就有过，还是新的；不知道自己在某一方面到底比以前好了，认识得多了，还是都忘了，退步了。

    最近一次出行，在校门口看到几个JC的学生在向校外走。他们在回家。那是下午四五点了，正是初中时放学的时间。太阳已西斜了，却还灿烂。新加坡放学早，那时的校园里已零零星星的没有几个人。他们结伴，在阳光中，在回家的路上……就如同初中的我们……不知为何，这一幕触动了我，让我豁得觉得我真的曾经忘却了许多，许多……

    忘却了以前的生活，更忘却了以前的自我。

    是转变，是彻头彻尾的改变所带来的。太多我未能细细理清的不同，如层层巨浪打得我像水中的浮萍。无暇顾及其它东西。脚下没有了坚实的陆地，所有的理所当然都变得不再当然。只能飘浮，挣扎，直到难以呼吸，只能适应，改变，重塑，要不就会沉没。至少这是我曾经相信的。而当我把自身上上下下的一切都审视了数遍，把一切不同都理清了以后，我得到了许多认知，想明白了许多事情，关于“术”，关于“道”的。同时我也切实懂得了：以前的我是有很多地方不成熟，但无论怎样蜕变、成长，无论那些观念、习惯、处事方式怎样变化，有些灵魂性的东西是难以撼摇的，如深层的志趣、性格、价值取向，对某些事物的特殊触觉，那种只能暂时闭塞而不能长久封杀的敏感……我的生存方式。渐渐的，我学到了许多东西，也适应了许多，也渐渐有能力定下型来，找到属于自己的陆地，找回自我了。说来还得要感激呢，感激初中给我的简单和美好，也感激RI给我生活的冲击。

    我的问题，说到底，其实不是我要不要生存的问题，也不是我要不要生存得很风光的问题，而是我如何解决自己内心矛盾的问题，解决我究竟选择一种怎样的生存状态的问题。

    这两年里，我曾经害怕独处，因为我曾把独处等同于孤僻而看作我的劣根性。然而它却不是。我的孤独是因为没有很多和我有共同生存文化和志趣选择的人，而不是我拒绝这个世界。但是那又有什么关系？

    当你一个人在院子里举杯赏月，而其他人在舞厅跳舞的时候；当你一个人独守岗位，而其他人都回家过年的时候；当你一个人欣赏音乐，而其他人都不在身边的时候……我觉得这些场景都有特殊的凄美感。边缘，却不一定可悲。或许，人与人之间的生活可以如此陌生。就如我无法活在国内同学看着黑板上课，挤着饭堂打饭，聚在双人床上谈笑的世界里，无法活在妈妈天天打开门面对空空的房子而想念我的世界里那样。当你在舞厅里跳舞的时候，那个在院子里赏月的人的生活可能遥远陌生得如月球的土地般，却也别有一番风情。独处在静谧的夜里，可以清楚得听到自己的心声。而虚浮的热闹，却容易使人遗忘自己。你有你的生活，我有我的生活。孤独，有什么可怕呢？我只不过是作为一种存在而存在，只不过在忠实地演出上帝交给我的剧本而已，至于哪种生存状态好些，没有必要去思考。

    在喧嚣里忘却的，将在独处时寻回。

    于是，我满头大汗，走在迂回幽深迷雾缭绕的树林里，渐渐地记得了来路和去路。而不经意的拐来拐去，竟让我碰到自己一段已被遗忘的灵魂在一个角落里抽泣。我感伤，却也欣慰，在一段可怕的忘却之后，我仍能将不自觉失落了的自我拾回，以更完整的状态重新上路。当然，也更有勇气带着一路的见闻回归原点。

    我可以说，我变了。我也可以说，我没变。

    让我最有意识地活着的莫过于找到自己的信仰，自己的灵魂。我不会让快乐局限在表面的爽感，不会让爱流于浅浮。不管我更喜欢在回忆中浸泡往日情怀，还是在希冀中打捞明日向往，只要感知到自我的切实存在，我就坦然。至少，这是我的态度，直到天荒地老，海枯石烂。或许，如果可能，直到灵魂离开腐朽的肉体，却依然年轻，我会追随那古老的传说，在纷纷的落叶中，拾起自己的脚印。对于这个世界，我轻轻的来，也轻轻的离开……

    不管相不相信宿命和轮回，人短暂的生命里，肉躯只是灵魂精神的载体。成全、呵护灵魂与自我，就算是对得起宇宙的永恒，让生命弥足珍贵了。

    正像史铁生对生命理解的那样：

    但是太阳，他每时每刻都是夕阳也都是旭日。当他熄灭着走下山去收尽苍凉残照之际，正是他在另一面燃烧着爬上山巅布散烈烈朝辉之时。那一天，我也将沉静着走下山去，扶着我的拐杖。有一天，在某一处山洼里，势必会跑上来一个欢蹦的孩子，抱着他的玩具。

    当然，那不是我。

    但是，那不是我吗？

    宇宙以其不息的欲望将一个歌舞炼为永恒。这欲望有怎样一个人间的姓名，大可忽略不计。

      昨天毕业典礼。初中的第二次。中国三年，新加坡两年，恍如过了两辈子... 听新加坡同学上台讲在学校四年的生活和学习，才知道我们是两个世界的人。我在新加坡没有生活的历史，生活的底蕴。我也不怎么会创造。太守旧了，不愿丢掉以往的生活文化...

      但还好，我就要回家了，已经在pack up了。明天就“敛衽宵逝”。离开RI，离开新加坡，回家，休整，寻回。家的气息，家的旋律，在深圳，等着我...

      不管这次回去有没有以前那么激动，家的天空，还是最有感情的，毕竟那又蓝又高的奇妙，我看了十五年...